Royalty, Trap or Both?
A few days ago, I had the opportunity to be present at the potluck/cookout that my friends and I try to put together as often as life and distance would permit. It is always a rather fun gathering where we could all be ourselves without fear of being misunderstood or judged. Usually, as the evening progresses and the cocktails kick in, hairs are let down, arms are thrust higher into the air and waved around like they just don’t care, tongues become freer and laughs become louder. At the end of the evening, we all retire to relish the joy that each others’ company brings till the next time the universe would bring us all together again.
This time, my after-thoughts were slightly different. I found myself reflecting on the events of our gathering, and as I did so, I couldn’t help but rewind, pause and evaluate my carriage all through the evening. I winced painfully at the memory of climbing unto a coffee table to call the attention of everyone (I come in a really small package). And I shuddered as I remembered wearing my red disposable cup like a cone party hat. As I came to the sad conclusion that my mother would have disowned me if she had been at that gathering, I realized how unladylike my actions had been.
You see, I’m generally a lady. I was raised a lady. Thanks to my “almost English mother”, we were taught right from birth to sit up straight, tuck in our tummies, use cutlery with ease, walk, speak and sit properly. We were taught poise, grace and decency, which are the hallmark traits of being a lady, and over the years I’ve strived to maintain and even cultivate more ladylike traits. So, as I stated earlier, I’m generally a lady. However, when I’m with a particular circle of friends(the bunch referred to above), I’m literally anything and everything. I mostly try to carry myself with grace. Unfortunately, there are a few occasions when only the good Lord can explain the combination that I become. This time, I was at best a combination between a four year old on sugar rush, an entertainer popping booty away, and a comedian yelling jokes through a bullhorn.
I tried to console myself with the fact that I was with my friends, and that this sort of thing only happened once in a while. I mean, give me a break, everyone deserves a vacation, right? But that didn’t work. All of my mother’s famous words kept nagging at me.
“A lady is a lady through and through.”
“Being a lady means being graceful, even when asleep.”
“It’s great to be a strong woman, but you don’t have to act like a strong man.”
“All females eventually become women, but not all females become ladies.’
“You are a woman by birth, but you are a lady by choice.”
Sigh.
Does this mean I can’t be/have a little fun or even relax a little around my close friends? Do I have to seat up straight, wear a brooch and have my hair in a tight bun all the time?!
Sigh.
The more I thought about it, the more I knew I had to put it out here for others, like myself, who battle with balancing being a classic and timeless lady with being a fun and modern babe, especially at social gatherings.
In order to find the meeting point we’re looking for, I’d first give you an illustration of each of the two distinct characters using a particular scenario for the two.
Imagine this: Your colleague has invited you to a Barbecue at his new home. So on this fine Sunday evening, you’re one of twenty-six guests present. Now you barely know any of the guests personally. You’re practically meeting most of them for the first time. However, two people catch your attention. Both female, both very beautiful, both with seemingly very striking characters, but both as different as night is from day.
The Classic Lady
She walks in a few minutes after you have settled in. She makes her way through the guests, kissing those she’s familiar with on both cheeks and giving a smile-laden “hello” to those she didn’t seem to know so well. You’re struck by her effortless charm and her soft but confident charisma. She’s feminine in every sense of the word. She’s generous with her smile and kind with her words. Every word she says seems to have been very carefully chosen. She speaks softly yet clearly. Her diction is broad, her grammar is impeccable, her wit is sharp. She seems to know the world but not gloat in her knowledge. She carries on conversations with ease with all those around her. They talk about everything and anything. From the snippets of her conversations that you catch, you’re convinced that she’s very widely travelled or very widely read. She seems like she has tea and crumpets with the queen of England on a regular. You’re also convinced that she is rather “accomplished” and that her hobbies include embroidery and flower arrangement. All through the beautiful evening, she sips very gracefully on her glass, laughs warmly at the jokes made and seems to have a great time in her own quiet way. You’re intrigued by her aura. You cant stop staring….
The Fun Babe
She makes a grand entrance an hour and a half later than all the other guests. She’s stunning and she knows it. She seems quite hip and jolly as she distributes hugs and high-fives to all those on her path. She also gives the air that everyone there is her “BFF’ and she has known them since birth. She playfully teases a few people, and though her choice of words aren’t exactly the cleanest there ever was, you can’t help but laugh along at her sense of humor. There are a few times that you worry that certain people may take offense at her, but she seems quite oblivious of the existence of this possibility. Watching her make her way back from her trip to the picnic table where the food was laid out, you’re convinced that she’s on a mission to get a taste of everything being served, even if she has to grab it off another’s plate. She is unconcerned with being tactful in her amateur manner of critiquing the dishes she has never had. She swigs drinks straight from the bottle and challenges the guys to downing shots. She laughs at herself in an unpretentious and unbothered way when she trips over something. She’s the first to declare the dance floor open, and when she starts to dance, there’s only one term that could adequately describe her – trap queen. All in all, she’s the life of the party. She radiates good vibes and a great energy. You’re excited just by being around her. You want to go out to bars and clubs with her if you ever get an opportunity to!
Though these two women are as different as the north pole is from the south pole, we can all agree that they have one thing in common: they have the ability to stop time on its tracks the minute they walk into a room. However they do this in very different ways.
How then does one radiate fun and good vibes at social gatherings, while retaining all qualities of a cultured lady?
Balancing the Best of Both
There are a lot of advantages to being a fun babe. However, one major disadvantage of being one is the tendency to get treated as just a form of entertainment, which is a nice way of saying that little or no respect will be accorded to you and you’d most likely be taken for granted(trust me on this).
Likewise, there are a lot of advantages to being a classic lady, but the major risk involved is unconsciously keeping those around you a little tense, perpetually formal, and afraid of offending your overly cultured sensitivities. So below are some tips to help balance it out.
- DO be polite and friendly but not overly familiar with everyone. This puts people around you at ease, while keeping them from crossing boundaries of good breeding and good manners that shouldn’t be crossed.
- DO share information about yourself and your experiences, however, be mindful of not sharing “TMI” (too much information). They really don’t need to know that a particular toilet paper gives you a rash. Keep the sharing on the light side, and away from being too personal. A good way to do this is by keeping the information you are sharing relevant to the conversation being had at that point in time.
- DO participate prudently in activities being had, like dancing, games, and conversations. However, try not to dominate them or go overboard on them with unreserved excitement.We know you’re a great dancer, you don’t have to insist on doing the choreography your dance group did at your school’s Dance Off finals in 1999. Don’t be overly competitive. Be a good sport and let others have a turn at the activities too.
- DO NOT eat like a glutton nor drink more than you should. If it is a buffet, do not cram everything unto your plate or pile it up with a particular dish. Same goes with the drinks, do not try to drink everything served. If practicable, try to stick to one type of drink. Basically, eat and drink in moderate proportions and in a modest way.
- DO NOT be a “one-upper”. A “one-upper” is a highly annoying human who feels the compulsion to always raise the ante. You tell her you read this article, she raises you one by telling you about the article she posted (on the website she designed herself) using smoke signals, because she’s volunteering at a remote village where her daily activities include creating a cure for cancer and digging boreholes for the villagers with a teaspoon. Don’t. Just don’t.
- DO NOT feel the need to be part of every conversation. Even though it is great to mingle and socialize at a gathering, one should not butt in on a conversation between a group of people. If you recently just made your way to a particular group at the gathering in the middle of their conversation, just stand or sit by them quietly for a few minutes, so as get a feel of their discussion. This will enable you flow in with your inputs at an appropriate time, as opposed to veering off the point of the discussion and creating an awkward moment for everyone.
- DO dress modestly and appropriately, but fashionably. If you can, include a few current fashion trends with your twist to it. Ultimately, make sure you are comfortable with what you’re wearing. Dressing inappropriately has the tendency to make you feel awkward, thereby making you act awkward around others.
- DO look and smell great the entire time you’re out. Take occasional trips to the bathroom to freshen up. Powder your nose, re-apply your lipstick after eating, floss your teeth and double-check for lipstick stains and food particles that may be trapped between your teeth, freshen your breath with mints, dab out sweat stains and reapply deodorant and perfumes as needed, wash your hands as often as posible and apply hand lotion after washing. You get the picture. Just stay as fresh and nice as possible all through the evening.
- DO be patient with others and their seeming shortcomings. There’s nothing as annoying as a snob at a party with their little nose stuck in the clouds. Understand that everyone was raised differently. Be pleasant to all without being discriminatory. While we’re on the subject, repress the urge to correct people’s grammatical mistakes. Also, keep your sarcasm in check, even if the circle of people seem to happily welcome it.
- DO be sensitive to others’ feelings. Don’t make them feel unnecessarily uncomfortable either with your behavior or your words. Do not scandalize other guests. Watch and observe the general mood and pattern of behavior being adhered to by other guests, then imitate. Don’t be that person who cracks awkward jokes at a funeral.
